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Airbolt 
"teil mann, teil maschine"
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 Posted - 08/19/2007 : 22:03:48
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What if your life suddenly turned into a Michael Bay movie.
I mean , instead of getting the train to work , you ride a hummer on two wheels while shooting at bad guys and making witty one-liners.
Instead of the mundane fender bender , you are regularly involved with exploding tankers and vans with blacked-out windows - NONE of which ever phases your insurance assessor ! )
Masked men regularly shoot at you with highly powerful weapons and they ALWAYS MISS!
Hey , why not. Heres my take on a visit to the library in the style of Michael Bay.
Airbolt visits the Library
as imagined by Michael Bay
Interior : A vast cavernous control room with massive wall screens. At work is a small army of technicians . The camera pans then zooms in on one operator. He whips his head around a yells to his controller
Op1 : �We gotta Code Blue�
Soundtrack : Hans Zimmer�s usual thing with a russian chorus
Sound : Klaxons
SFX : Red Flashing Lights
Whip pan to controller , who announces to the control room
Controller � Code Blue , We have a confirmed Code Blue, This is not a Drill. Confirm that AIRBOLT has an overdue library book! Confidence is high , repeat , confidence is high!
Trusty Lieutenant : � My men await your orders , Sir �
Controller : � We must stop the rot right here . Lieutenant!
Send in ALPHA TEAM !�
Meanwhile at his suburban home Airbolt pauses in front of a full length mirror. His finely honed body is the envy of men and the desire of women ( hey , allow me a little leeway! ). He steps into the driveway and gets into his small anonymous car ( whoah , now that�s TOO much reality . This is a Michael Bay tm film after all ).He steps into his Nissan Skyline R34 with full Veilside racing package. Gravel flies as he swings his powerful and highly noticeable car into the traffic .
Airbolt � Ho hum , just another tedious day . Nothing ever happens to me��.�
With a roar a powerful explosion nearly blows the car off the road. A group of men in ski masks pull up and surround the car. They all have Hechler and Koch MP5A Navy edition sub-machine guns and sackloads of attitude.
Masked Man � You�re coming with us . No funny business! �
Airbolt ( with a menacing leer ) � Do I look like I�m laughing? �
Exterior : Incredible mayhem , drop kicks , knees to the groin , right hooks , eye gouging and a fair amount of wire work ensue.
Airbolt grabs the comms off a prostrate body
Airbolt � Hey , you shoulda sent your A Team . Now you just got me pissed. Remember , I used to be in the Federal Library Service under a different name.I used to be known as��.
( Roll the Credits )
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Edited by - Airbolt on 08/19/2007 22:08:41 |
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MisterBadIdea 
"PLZ GET MILK, KTHXBYE"
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Posted - 08/20/2007 : 01:29:56
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| Not racist enough. Add more racism and you're on the right track. |
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benj clews 
"...."
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Posted - 08/20/2007 : 02:08:44
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Not bad, but you forgot the babe librarian in hotpants (like all librarians do) who Airbolt romances on a car bonnet in the golden glow of an orange sunset.
Plus the inevitable slow-mo shoot-out in the library with a camera spinning around the action. |
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demonic 
"Cinemaniac"
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Posted - 08/20/2007 : 02:16:33
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| Also that was a fairly interesting and coherent read. Bay doesn't seem to be able to write or shoot an action sequence so it actually makes sense to the audience. |
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Airbolt
"teil mann, teil maschine"
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Posted - 08/20/2007 : 13:45:00
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quote:
Originally posted by benj clews
Not bad, but you forgot the babe librarian in hotpants (like all librarians do) who Airbolt romances on a car bonnet in the golden glow of an orange sunset.
Plus the inevitable slow-mo shoot-out in the library with a camera spinning around the action.
I like it!
Interior : The Library. Still dripping wet in spandex hot pants is BIBI LO GRAF the sultry Spanish-German librarian. Her generous curves are barely hidden beneath her flimsy ( get on with it � Ed )
BIBI : � Oh , Airbolt , you saved me from the massed hordes of the now defunct Federal Library Service . How can I ever�.thank you? ( wink wink )
Airbolt : � Hold that thought , Sweetie �I just gotta do what a mans gotta do �
BIBI : � What�rightnow? Couldn't you wait a bit? �
Airbolt : � No , I mean take care of those menacing thugs from the now defunct FLS. The ones who even now are looming menacingly right behind the local history section�
BIBI : � OK , Big Boy, I�ll wait outside by the Corvette. �
Airbolt : � Now that its all men , lets get into the barely suppressed homo-erotic stuff. I�ll take my shirt off.
Thug 27 : � Ooh, nice torso..not that I�m��
Thug 39 : � You kidding no one �
Airbolt : � I�m gonna whip out my guns and do something �.long OVERDUE�
Thug 78 : � Whoa, nice pun�AIEEEEEEE�
Interior : Absolute mayhem as the highly trained FLS thugs contrive to shoot AROUND airbolt while he cant miss. At once stage he shoots two machine guns while doing a triple lutz.
Airbolt � Almost too easy �
Interior : The regulation indestructible thug runs up behind Airbolt then crumples . It�s BIBI LO GRAF that saves the day
Airbolt � Thanks , Babe. Looks like I owe you one � (Wink wink )
BIBI : � I�ll take payment by the Corvette in that lovely sunset , if that�s ok by you �
Airbolt : � I hope you can drive stick! �
End Credits : Anonymous AOR by the Band du jour
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w22dheartlivie
"Kitty Lover"
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Posted - 08/21/2007 : 00:31:16
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| Why do I get the feeling that Bibi is played by Salma Hayek? |
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Airbolt
"teil mann, teil maschine"
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Posted - 08/21/2007 : 13:09:47
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quote:
Originally posted by wildhartlivie
Why do I get the feeling that Bibi is played by Salma Hayek?
Good Call!
Meanwhile , another scene from the film has come to light.
Interior : An abandoned warehouse . Surrounded by inert FLS men airbolt takes a moment to look heroic. Then he starts to interrogate one of the thugs
Airbolt : � Easy way or hard way? �
Thug 45 : � **** you , you ****** , son of a ******, ***** yourself and Thundering Typhoons !�
Airbolt : � No need for that last one.�
Airbolt puts his boot on the thugs throat. It�s ok though as the thug isn�t very nice and probably foreign.
Airbolt : � OK Pal , howabout I ask the questions and you answer without the potty mouth . Where is the FLS secret hideout where Bibi Lo Graf , the sultry Spanish-German librarian in spandex hot pants, is being held? �
Thug 45 : � Could I have that again please? �
Airbolt : � Where are you holding the girl ?�
Thug 45 : *Giggle*
Airbolt : � Oh , Grow up! I mean where is she being kept? �
Thug 45 : � ARZOL, you ****!�
Airbolt : � I told you to keep it clean! Theres only so many *****s before we get an R �
Thug 45 : �Arzol . Is in Tijuana province. �wheeze�
Airbolt : � Mexico eh. You�re holding her south of the border !�
Thug 45 : � Tee hee , giggle �
Airbolt : � Oh for ****s sake �
Director : � That�s us over the limit for ****s , What did I tell you? We can have as many explosions and shootings as we like but no more than four ****s. I hope you�re pleased with yourself.
Airbolt : � Sorry , it just slipped out �
Thug 45 : � Stop it , my sides hurt! �
Airbolt : � If I hear any more innuendo in the script , I�ll whip it out at once�
Thug 45 passes out from giggling |
Edited by - Airbolt on 08/21/2007 13:20:05 |
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BaftaBaby 
"Always entranced by cinema."
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Posted - 08/21/2007 : 13:42:54
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Isn't it around this point that we get a pointless chase which incorporates all kinds of mechanized shit going from one place to another and then ... to another! Before they all get smashed up and cut to something else.
She asked, sweetly?
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Airbolt
"teil mann, teil maschine"
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Posted - 08/21/2007 : 15:16:55
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quote:
Originally posted by BaftaBabe
Isn't it around this point that we get a pointless chase which incorporates all kinds of mechanized shit going from one place to another and then ... to another! Before they all get smashed up and cut to something else.
She asked, sweetly?
Well , since you asked so nicelyHere part 0ne.....
Airbolt : I hope you�ve handled a big one before?
Bibi : You mean an 18 wheeler?
Airbolt : Correct a mundo , Babe. I really like a big Mack
Bibi : I�m lovin�it
Director : OK , we squeezed in the product placement. Now , let�s get on with what I�m hired to do.
Airbolt: That would be mechanised mayhem then?
Director: Well they�re hardly going to give me the Cherry Orchard* are they?
Airbolt Point taken.
Exterior : An 18 wheeler ( with a logo " Tijuana Flammable Gas Supplies" )slides away from the compound at Arzol driven by the lovely and perfectly formed Bibi. Airbolt climbs outside with a rocket launcher . Two panel vans full of foreign thugs follow. Airbolt fires. The first van spins, twirls and pirouettes in slow-motion.The second goes end over end before crashing spectacularly into the Tijuana glass and porcelain superstore.
Thug 74 : " That really hurts"
Airbolt : � That�s for kidnapping my Bibi �
Meanwhile a Soviet Mi-8 heavy gunship lumbers into view . The pilot is wearing a fur hat with a red star on despite it being about 90 degrees.
Bibi � Look out , Mi Corazon! Mach Schnell !�
Airbolt � Eh? �
[u]The Mi-8 looses a fairly unbelievable quantity of rockets and hits EVERYTHING but the 18 wheeler. The Tijuana Chamber of commerce files a strong complaint. Airbolt unhooks a VULCAN anti aircraft cannon and soon the MI-8 is fluttering to the desert ..slowly
Airbolt : � I hope he had insurance! �
Meanwhile at a construction site , a couple of FLS thugs spot a huge MOBILE CRANE.
Thug 24 "Lets get the Mobile Crane"
Thug 54 "Yeah!"( Leers )
The slow and unwieldy mobile crane is far too slow to catch the 18 wheeler
Thug 24 "We didn�t think this through"
Thug 54 "Nuts!"
Thug 31 "Theres a ferrari"
Thug 21 "At a construction Site? That makes no sense � even in a Michael Bay tm film"
Soon the implausible Ferrari catches up to the 18 wheeler
Thug 24 "Hey Gringo . You got no chance"
Airbolt : " Really , theres no call for racial epithets!"
Bibi : "Look out � a propane storage facility next to an airfield full of surplus planes , plus a cardboard box factory"
Airbolt "You forgot the two men carrying a large sheet of glass."
Bibi : "Hasta Lumbago . whatever next?"
( Part 2 follows shortly )
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* Michael Bay's version of " A la recherche du Temps perdu " is coming in summer 2008.Joking ( i hope so anyway )
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Edited by - Airbolt on 08/21/2007 15:28:23 |
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Airbolt
"teil mann, teil maschine"
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Posted - 08/25/2007 : 00:23:44
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Airbolt : " Wow , how did we miss all those obstacles ? "
Bibi : " I don't know but i'm getting tired of being the eye candy for bunch of horny teenagers. I mean , look at these hot pants - no librarian wears these. Wheres my motivation ? I mean i get captured , tied up and rescued by a steroid sponge like you. What about my difficult upbringing in Albany , the daughter of a German shipping tycoon and the feisty inventor of the spanish version of cluedo. then there were the in-laws who demanded too much emotionally...URKKKKK!"
Thug 45 : " You owe me , Bro. This was turning into a chick flick"
Airbolt " Yeah , i thought she was going to talk about "relationships"
Thug 45 : " Tell me about it! Lets just try and kill each other! "
Airbolt and Thug 45 struggle but are interrupted by the Director Michael Bay
Michael Bay : " I think this film should be released on Blu-ray ( topical , eh? ) I resign . You can keep the explosions , the buddy movie and the high speed chases , i'm off to Alaska to fnd ...the real me"
With that he disappears. Airbolt and Thug 45 discuss the envoirenment while Bibi wakes up an joins a hippie commune in Bismarck.
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Edited by - Airbolt on 08/25/2007 01:07:36 |
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If your life was directed by Michael Bay
